Mrs. Quoting Quotes

She was lost.  Not in who or where she was.  Just lost.  In a moment, she fell between the cracks of reality as she laid there just studying him as he dreamed.  Never in her life had she felt so misplaced and cognizant all in one moment.  Overwhelmed with emotions unbeknownst to her prior, she laid there with him and began to weep.  Not for him. Not for these emotions that overtook her in this rare moment, but for the moments she knew she would be without him.  Mourning the times that she knew that she would have to bare alone when their worlds no longer collided.  A young bride and her new world. Disoriented by these feelings that she believed no longer dwelled inside her and only then comprehending the dangers of these emotions. No longer could she hide the vulnerability that threatened to overtake her once pseudo persona of strength and that terrified her. No longer could she place the mask upon her face and avoid the confrontation of speaking her private thoughts aloud. To articula

"Have you tried just thinking more positive thoughts and just not stress out for once?” Positive thoughts. If only. The sheer naivety shatters any hope of being rescued from this perpetual suspension off this rapidly crumbling cliff as one is grasping for salvation. If only a mindset could mend the years of torment the body endures as it’s trying to make reason and plan for what could happen next. Why did you say that and what do they think of you now? What happens when the one person who sees you as an actual sentient being instead of a project realizes you aren’t worth the pain? Can you handle another loss? Teeth ground to the gum as you finally plunge into unconsciousness after days of not having a moments rest. Hair in clumps on the floor, nails bit to the bed, eating too much or starving yourself while awaiting the appetite to come back. What will you do when they tear the mask off your skin after working for years to blend it in so no one would what it hid. Exposure. Go

The point of this is not to wait for the approval. Writing for the wrong reasons. I miss being able to write. Record the inaudible ideas that flowed through my veins. I do not know when that stream was blocked. I am learning of the blockage of my soul. The inability to push through the wall that was in my path. The self loathing and doubt. When did that even start? Does it even matter?

It's okay to not be okay.

I look at art all day but still I don't spend the time doing it. What a funny way to look at things. It's like whenever I get to the doctors office, I immediately succumb to all the sad thoughts I've been feeling if only just a second ago I was laughing on the phone with my best friend. I can't afford to pay rent. That's the honesty of it. But as soon as we pay it, I know it'll be easier for the month until school is over. I just hope it doesn't rain. At this point, it's asking the parents to help out while Garett's still in classes or go give plasma. But I get paid tomorrow. Technically it isn't  officially  late until the third. But I digress. Will I only write here when times are bad? When I'm doubting where I'm at in my life because money I don't have. I started reading the Wizard of Oz and now I'm seeing it in a new way. Post will follow. I just thought I'd chat for a while because I enjoy writing like this.

30 minutes a day to sit and let my mind sit at ease in the validation of thoughts. Writing and making dinner. At least I'm only doing 2 things in the span of 30 minutes.