Anxiety - A Rant From A Sleepless Dreamer

"Have you tried just thinking more positive thoughts and just not stress out for once?” Positive thoughts. If only. The sheer naivety shatters any hope of being rescued from this perpetual suspension off this rapidly crumbling cliff as one is grasping for salvation. If only a mindset could mend the years of torment the body endures as it’s trying to make reason and plan for what could happen next. Why did you say that and what do they think of you now? What happens when the one person who sees you as an actual sentient being instead of a project realizes you aren’t worth the pain? Can you handle another loss? Teeth ground to the gum as you finally plunge into unconsciousness after days of not having a moments rest. Hair in clumps on the floor, nails bit to the bed, eating too much or starving yourself while awaiting the appetite to come back. What will you do when they tear the mask off your skin after working for years to blend it in so no one would what it hid. Exposure. God. It hurt. The incessant gnawing and expectation for everyone’s worst because it’s so much easier to let go when you already keep them at arms length. Waiting for the next shoe to drop is terrifying when you’re unaware of the damage it’ll cause. The shoe is the man creeping down the hall as you’re awaken to a noise unbeknownst to you and the breath held as you await the confirmation of an intruder in your assumed safety. But then… There’s the ones who surprise you and stay through the battles. And they’re the worst. A lifetime of blending the mask in only to have it ripped from what was thought to be your new persona. All they want is to be let in the gates that were built so high to hide from ever feeling pain from another again. Like a injured animal, retaliation for fear of vulnerability rear it’s ugly head and you are watching yourself as you scream words to the one who’s only desire was you. They stay. They know you more than anyone ever could and it’s one of the single most terrifying experiences. Exposed and tired from fighting, something clicks. Maybe. Maybe they’re not going anywhere. Maybe the words and promises made were sincere. Abandonment and disappointment has left “trust”” as a jaded dream. I can’t lose this person and I know one day I will. The cruel injustice that this person chose brokenness and forsake all others just to have a moment in time with you. But it’s beautiful. It’s worth it. I can look in the mirror and love who I see because it isn’t the mask anymore. It’s me. The broken fucked up person I am and as much as I hate aspects of me, it’s fucking me. I’ve been hiding for so long. He tore through those gates one story at a time and showed me what love was. Not being who I thought people want me to be but me. The one who has been to hell and back more times than I’m willing to say. A survivor of my own facade because I know she would have killed me. I have scars from my battles. At last I’m able to confidentially display these battle wounds. The harder days seem to out number the good ones but my best friend is a rock in which I’ve been able to rest on while becoming sculpted into the person I want to be and he loves me through it all. I thought positively and that led me down a dark ally full of villains. I succumbed to the stress I thought I was handling “for once”. We cannot allow pain to be devalued due to the inability of physical pain. I felt this was my own defect but I am not defective. Stress, scream, cry… Allow yourself to admit when you can’t handle the dark hours of the night and the television isn’t soothing anymore. Then, find your outlet. Find your reason and then search for your passion. Allow the medicine they give you to work and communicate when it doesn’t. This isn’t a weakness. You are not weak. You are not unfixable.